Share all with Partner?

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Ought to you share everything with your partner?



Sharing everything with your partner is definitely a bad idea and this often leads to break-up. But this does not include withholding criminal, marriage and medical records as this is vital information. As humans, we have a right to a little bit of secrecy, this makes us conscious of what we do.


It’s a fact that we all have past and for some it’s not so clean, these are not the things that you say to someone you are seeing, though it might be important that your partner knows the truth it’s also important that your partner does not lose the self-respect he or she had for you.


If somebody makes a pass at you lets say at a restaurant and you say it to your partner, while it might seem harmless and brushed away, if you continue to go to the restaurant not because you want somebody to make a pass at you but you simply enjoy their food your partner if not well matured will definitely thinks different. And every time that restaurant is mentioned the only thing that comes to your partners mind is “that was the restaurant somebody made a pass at my partner”.


There are certain things that are even more difficult to tell your partner, an example would be if your partner’s sibling tries to seduce you and you say no: that’s the first good deed but the second deed is will you tell your partner knowing quite well that it might cause a big rift between the siblings, nobody would want to be the cause of this sort of problem. A different scenario would be if you tell this to your partner and he or she flatly disbelieves you and would swear that you are making it up that the sibling is not like that. At this point you would wish you had kept quiet about the whole matter and pray it doesn’t happen again.


There are people out of our relationships that we admire for one reason of the other, telling this to your partner would make him or her feel as being not quite enough, under-developed or downright unappreciated.


There is a rule that say do unto others what you want others to do unto you, having said this I would want to know everything about my partner but in practice I would not be ready to tell her everything. I wouldn’t also want my partner to tell me that her dream man is Denzel Washington because like it or not I would never be Denzel. That’s just a part of us as human beings which we have to deal with.



There was a time when I used to think this was normal for a married couple to have no secrets between them but as I get older, I began to realize perhaps this thinking is a little too idealistic. Although the Hollywood version of marriage and intimacy has the couple having no secrets between them, it turns out in reality this doesn't work very well.

The problem being one of two things. First whatever you want to share, you are legally or morally bound not to share or second, your partner will be unable to handle what you want to share with them. The first case is easy to understand and when I used to work on classified government projects, I saw and did many neat things and as much as I'd like to tell my spouse what was going on, I couldn't. I had signed a non-disclosure agreement that prevented me from saying anything. When I left aerospace, I signed a debriefing statement that forbid me from saying anything to anyone for pretty much the rest of my life.


How about secrets where one is morally bound? I happen to know that a woman my spouse once worked with got pregnant while in high school and opted to have the baby. The little girl was adopted by the woman's uncle and aunt and raised thinking her birth mother was her cousin. I found this out by accident and if I was to share this, it would ruin not only the relationship my spouse has with this woman but the lives of the woman and her daughter. Again, another good example of something that shouldn't be shared with your partner.


What about the cases where your partner wouldn't be able to handle the information you gave them? How comfortable would your spouse be to know that one of your co-workers was a former girlfriend? Even though it had been years since you dated them and there's no feelings between you and the ex-girlfriend, how would your spouse really know? Jealousy is easily triggered and it could be having to work overtime or going on a business trip with "that woman", that triggers an argument. Some people can handle this and many can't, which would be another reason for not sharing everything with your partner.


Some folks believe that not sharing every thought or feeling they have with a significant other is a normal process and is what allows them to maintain their self identity. Personally I find this thinking akin to primitive tribes who don't want their pictures taken for fear it will capture their soul. On the other hand, if your spouse was to do this, you'd probably regret it while being subject to a never-ending stream of chatter about how they feel, what they want to do, what they're thinking, etc. Perhaps ignorance is bliss in this case.


What should one share with a partner? Personally I feel it should be anything that involves the law such as lawsuits, criminal charges, divorces, etc or things that you know if they find out on their own, could hurt them but you need to be careful. If your spouse is paranoid about you leaving them with no notice, admitting you've done that before, will not make them happy. I overheard one young husband casually admit to his wife that she was the 2nd girlfriend he had accidentally gotten pregnant but she should be grateful because he married her. If looks could kill, the young man probably would've been in bad shape.


Secrets between partners or spouses can make or break a relationship. With a lot of trust, understanding and patience, it is possible to minimize but not eliminate the need for secrets between the two. After all, it's those differences that makes us human...

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